


young love, I hope you are well

by freddiepreston



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Past Abuse, Suicide mention, self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-14 13:25:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3412241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freddiepreston/pseuds/freddiepreston
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kieren's Walker's entire life had always been one major disappointment after another with no exaggeration. People would tell him 'good things are just around the corner!' but his life was a circle. No corners, just bends; going around and around in the same cycle forever. There wasn't any corner to look forward to, just the knowledge that while it was a new day, the same shit would happen. The sun rose high and bright but he sunk lower and deeper, waiting for it to all finally be over. But Kieren never had much luck, and even when it was over, it wasn't really over.</p><p>OR in which we look at the life of Kieren before death and post-Rising</p>
            </blockquote>





	young love, I hope you are well

Kieren's Walker's entire life had always been one major disappointment after another with no exaggeration. People would tell him 'good things are just around the corner!' but his life was a circle. No corners, just bends; going around and around in the same cycle forever. There wasn't any corner to look forward to, just the knowledge that while it was a new day, the same shit would happen. The sun rose high and bright but he sunk lower and deeper, waiting for it to all finally be over. But Kieren never had much luck, and even when it was over, it wasn't really over.

It all started from the moment he was born. His birth wasn't anything extraordinary - his mother didn't spend thirteen hours in labour, nor was his born on a significant date, like Christmas. But that was enough for Sue and Steve. They had a beautiful baby boy; one that would grow up into a gentlemen, and settle down with a nice girl and have a grandchild or two. That's the picture perfect family image they had. It's what they were expecting. But nothing is ever that black and white, and especially not when it’s involving Kieren Walker.

When he was four years old, his sister Jem was born, and he was thrilled. There was a little baby to play around with, and the thought of building lego houses with Mum, Dad, and Jemima excited him more than the thought of the lego houses themselves. While Jem was being born, Kieren was at Steve’s parents’ house with his grandparents while the rest of them were at the hospital. It was kind of weird, that they had to go away for so long - three whole days! - while Kieren was stuck inside with his Grandma, Julie. He wanted to see his sister, and he wanted to play with her, and he wasn't sure why he couldn`t. Julie tried to explain that Jem was too little, but Kieren didn’t understand. He was little, too, what’s the difference? He just wanted to see his sister.

It was a Thursday that he finally got to go home and see her. Sue wouldn’t put Jem down, and Kieren was kind of frustrated. She was his too! He wanted to hold her, but everytime he would ask his Mum, she would say no. And everytime he asked he got more and more impatient. 

A couple days later marked the day that Kieren started putting little lego pieces into Jem’s crib while she slept. Her and Kieren slept in the same room, mostly because they had a two bedroom bungalow, but it was also convenient for Sue and Steve to be able to check on both kids at the same time. Plus, Kieren was a heavy sleeper, Jem’s crying would never wake him.

Kieren thought he was a genius in planting the lego in Jem’s crib - maybe if Mum and Dad see it, they’re think she wants to play with me, and we can all build lego houses together! - but it didn’t exactly happen that way. 

Kieren put lego in her crib nearly every night for six months, but every morning it would be on the floor. Except for the last time. Jem had rolled around to where one of the legos were, before diving headfirst into it. She smiled slightly before doing it again, and again, until the fourth time she did it, a piece actually went into her mouth. It wasn’t huge, but it was larger than a square. Jem wailed so loud Kieren, Sue, Steve, and the neighbours on both sides of their house were woken up. Her parents ran to room and noticed the lego, immediately making their way to the emergency room, not saying a word to Kieren while Steve dropped him off at Julie’s again. Kieren was told he was going to stay there for a few days before coming home, even though Jem was okay.

He never stopped feeling guilty about that.  
It was only the first time he disappointed his parents.

They didn’t trust him around Jem anymore. Sue moved Jem to her and Steve’s room, instead, so they could keep an eye on her throughout the night. Kieren’s room felt empty and he himself felt completely isolated. He couldn’t look his own parents in the eye for weeks, and he didn’t even know what he did wrong. He was four and he was already fucking up. He blames the constant feeling of disappointment in his gut on that moment, but he knew it wasn’t the only reason. 

The next major fuck up in Kieren’s life can be traced back to when he was twelve. It was the first time he painted a picture that he was really proud of, like really fucking proud. They were doing a little art project for father’s day, and Kieren decided to paint a picture of him and his dad. Steve and Kieren were close as a father and son could be. He took a photo of the two of them off the fridge without anyone noticing, and took it to school as a reference picture.He figured if he was going to do it, he was going to do it right. 

It was a picture of them at a baseball diamond a couple years prior. Kieren was holding a bat with a massive toothy grin on his face, and the look on Steve’s face showed pure elation; like he was really proud. And he was. They were just goofing around, pitching and batting the ball back and fourth. The picture was taken right after Kieren hit his first ball to reach further than second base. Everything about the picture screamed joy. It was Kieren’s favourite. 

As soon as he put paint to canvas, he immediately felt different - a good different. There was something inside of him that just seemed to let go; he felt free. Even at twelve years old he felt like he was carrying a burden and he wasn’t sure what this weight was from. But with each stroke of a paintbrush he felt his worries wash away. Before he knew it he was finished the painting, and he was extremely delighted, and Kieren felt like he finally found something he liked and was good at. It served as an outlet; and escape to him, and would continue to do so.

His parents were shocked that their son had created the painting, they really were. He had never drawn all that much, and they didn’t think he had much of a skill in the art. But what he showed them was talent. They told him as much, and Kieren’s grin was so wide it hurt. But he didn’t care, he made them proud. It kept the weight off his gut to hear them say something like that. 

Of course, it didn’t last.

It was the closest thing to a high Kieren had ever felt; hearing approval from his parents. He didn’t hear very many ‘we’re so proud of you!’s directed at him nowadays. Of course, they loved him and they thought he was a good kid, but Jem was always slightly better. If Kieren had made it to second base in baseball, Jem hit a home run - twice. She was always out-doing him and while he loved her, he couldn’t help but hate her all the same. So every time he painted or sketched something that his parents fawned over - even if just for a moment - Kieren felt on top of the world.

Kieren was fourteen when Sue and Steve started to get concerned with his hobby. Their house was constantly littered with new paintings and portraits; their walls covered top to bottom in artwork with Kieren’s tiny signature in the bottom left hand corner. it felt like they went out for more supplies every week, spending more than necessary. But it kept Kieren happy, and that was worth it. 

Until he met Rick Macy. 

Kieren and Rick had gone to the same school in Roarton - being the only school in their small town - and every time he saw Rick, Kieren felt like his stomach was doing flips. He couldn’t help but smile just at the mere thought of him - he was that cute. He had brown hair and eyes to match, and when he smiled it was like the world fell on it’s axis. He was bigger than Kieren was - although, Rick had muscle where Kieren had pudge - and it only made him want the older boy to hug him tightly forever. Kieren was so infatuated with the thought of Rick Macy that it didn’t even bother him at all that Rick wasn’t a girl. 

They had English together with Ms. Stanton - an older lady who believed the cell phone ruined society and that fourteen year olds still needed seating arrangements. Kieren sat beside a kid named Philip, who seemed like a nice guy, while the almighty Rick Macy sat just in front of him. Their entire first lesson Kieren’s smile didn’t falter and his eyes hardly left Rick’s back. 

*

As it turns out, Philip and Rick were sort of friends, so Rick turned around to talk to him sometimes. And during those times, Kieren got to stare at Rick’s face instead of the back of his head - although he made sure Rick never saw him. Those were the days Kieren left English in a good mood with an actual smile on his face, thinking about how much more he would love Rick Macy’s laugh if Kieren was the cause of it.

Kieren would never talk to Rick though. What would he even say? How could he possibly start a conversation without somehow doing something wrong? Social interaction was never a strong point for him, and it never bothered Kieren that much. He kept to himself mostly, not need anybody but his sister. But now, he wants to get to know Rick fucking Macy, and doesn’t have the damnest clue how he could go about that.

*

It was weeks, months, and still not a single word was spoken between Kieren and Rick. Sometimes they made eye contact, or Kieren would quietly laugh at something Rick said to Philip, and he was getting really sick of it. Rick was just a person - an incredible, beautiful, ridiculously funny and charismatic person - why the fuck should Kieren not talk to him? Kieren was a person just like Rick and he could talk to anyone if he damn well pleased. The next chance he got, he was going to talk to Rick Macy. 

Except he didn't. Rick beat him to it. 

'Hey, Lippy, you got a pen I could borrow?' He asked. Philip shook his head no. Rick turned his attention to Kieren, who was already looking up at the two boys instead of the work in front of him. 'You got a pen?' Kieren nodded and handed Rick a pen to use - one that he hadn't disgustingly bitten to shit. Rick smirked and took the pen. 'Thanks, Ren,' he said, turning around. 

'Ren?' Kieren whispered. 

'Yeah, mate. It's a nickname. You don't mind, do ya?' Kieren smiled shook his head and willed the blood to stay out of his pale face as Rick turned around and started working. Kieren figured he should do the same, but every time he looked down his face broke out into a massive smile. 

Ren.  
He wasn't sure how he felt about being called that. It definitely wasn't his favourite nickname, but hearing it come from Rick's lips was definitely his favourite sound. 

*  
Having Rick turn and talk to Kieren became more of a regular occurrence. It'd happen twice in one week, if Kieren was lucky. Sometimes to ask for a pen or piece of paper, sometimes just to call him 'Ren' and tease him which really, didn't bother Kieren at all. He wondered if what he and Rick were could be considered acquaintances - even friends, maybe. Though Kieren did psychoanalyze Rick's every move more intensely than their English teacher did to Lord of the Flies, so he was most likely just being too hopeful. But still, that didn't stop him from thinking about his friend Rick Macy. 

'Hey, Lippy; Ren,' Rick said one day, as he took his seat in front of Kieren. Philip mumbled a 'hi' in response but surprisingly Kieren didn't even notice. He had his earphones in and was doodling; drawing lines and shapes in whatever direction his hand went. Honestly, Kieren thought the only thing he liked more than Rick was art. 

Rick stared at Kieren, his gaze burning into Kieren's relaxed but concentrated face. Rick can't remember ever seeing Kieren look so at peace, and he silently admits that this is his favourite Kieren. 

Rick gently pulled out one of Kieren's earphones to at his attention and repeated himself from earlier. Kieren smiled and nodded in response before going back to drawing. Rick watched Kieren silently for a few moments before speaking up again. ‘What’s that you’re drawing?’ He asked.  
‘Not sure yet,’ Kieren responded. 

‘Not sure yet?’  
‘Mhmm’  
‘How are you drawing something that you aren’t sure you’re drawing?’  
Kieren put down his pencil and looked at Rick for the first time that day (and Kieren definitely didn’t take a couple seconds to admire Rick’s warm brown eyes before he replied. Definitely not).  
‘Have you ever drawn before, Rick?’  
Rick scoffed and answered, ‘Of course. Had to to do art in primary school, didn’t we?’ Kieren smirked and shook his head.  
‘It isn’t the same as that kind of drawing. It’s forced; the idea, what’s supposed to be visible. It’s all forced and it’s all done for a grade. This,’ he pointed to his sketchbook ‘isn’t. This is just me...;’ he said trailing off, shaking his head again. ‘Sorry, that was really lame.’ Rick smiled and laughed a little bit, but not in a mocking way like Kieren thought. ‘Kind of was, Ren. I’d like you to continue, if that’s alright.’  
Kieren complied.  
‘I don’t really think about it, yanno? It’s just natural; like it’s a part of me that I have no control over. There’s no pressure if it’s done poorly or not, or if it portrays a certain meaning. It’s just an outlet.’ He finished sheepishly.  
Rick looked at Kieren’s face until Kieren made eye contact with Rick. He could feel each second go by - one, two, three. He vaguely remembers reading somewhere that maintaining eye contact with someone for more than six seconds means that someone wants to have sex with the other or murder them. Kieren looks down but can still feel Rick’s gaze on his face. 

‘My outlet is shooting.’ Rick says, making Kieren look up again.  
‘Shooting?’  
‘Yeah. Not people or animals or anything, just old bottles and such. My dad taught me when I was eleven. Fell in love.’ Kieren nodded, not knowing what to say. Rick lowered his voice before speaking again.  
‘I don’t know much about art and shit, but I know what you mean about it feeling like it’s a part of you that you have no control over.’ Kieren could only stare as Rick turned around and Ms. Stanton walked in and started her lesson.

Kieren couldn’t stop smiling all day.

-

The first time Kieren went to Rick’s house was something he didn’t think he’d ever forget. He remembered being nervous to meet his parents - what if they didn’t like him or thought he was weird or something? - but he was still excited. When he first walked in he met Janet, Rick’s mum, who was extremely sweet and immediately settled Kieren’s nerves slightly. After that, he got to see Rick’s room, which doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it was to Kieren. Someone’s bedroom shows who they are and what they like. Kind of like a sneak peak into the mind of Rick Macy; a place he so badly wished to dive headfirst into. Kieren’s bedroom had a gray wall where most of the artwork hung- mostly because he didn’t want the background to stand out over the pictures. There was the painting he had done when he was twelve of him and his dad hanging above his bed (remade, of course. He improved so much over the last two years that he didn’t want that painting anywhere near him). The other walls were red, where he had a shelf full of knick knacks and books and little sculptures he couldn’t not buy. In the corner he had a desk that was completely covered in paper, paint, and ink smudges from all the art he’d done over the last little while. It was where he spent most of his time. You walk into Kieren’s room and it looks similar to the inside of his head, and he wanted to see that in Rick’s room.

He was disappointed, to say the least.

Rick’s room also had the colour scheme of gray and red, except all Rick’s walls had gray on the top half and red underneath it. He had very little in his room at all; just trophies from martial arts and a framed soccer jersey. Rick had never mentioned any sports or activities, and it confused Kieren as to why his walls were covered in stuff he hardly seemed interested in. The thing that mostly threw Kieren off was the posters of girls on his walls. He never really thought about it, but he just always assumed Rick wasn’t into girls (probably wishful thinking, he told himself). There wasn’t any mess; any disorganization, and Kieren wondered what really went on in the mind of Rick Macy, because his room gave him absolutely no answers. 

Meeting Bill though, that gave him all the answers he needed.  
‘Hello, son,’ Bill yelled from the front door as he walked in. Rick ushered Kieren to the main floor so they could greet his dad.  
‘Hi, Dad. Uh, this is Kieren, my friend.’ He said as Kieren gave an awkward wave.  
He looked Kieren over and Kieren felt hot under his gaze. Bill gave a disgruntled huff and walked away without another word. The boys silently walked back to Rick’s room and sat down on his bed. An awkward tension was held over the boys until Rick spoke up. ‘Sorry about that, my dad can be kind of a tosser sometimes,’  
‘No it’s fine, but I don’t think he likes me very much,’ Kieren chuckled.  
‘I don’t think it’s you as much as it is the art thing,’  
‘What do you mean?’  
‘When I told him about you I mentioned that you did a lot of art and well, he think you’re a fairy.’ Rick stuttered out.  
‘Oh.’ Kieren went silent.  
‘Well, you don’t have the manliest appearance, do ya?’ Rick tried to joke, though he felt as if he made it worse.

Kieren decided that they could keep on with this conversation or get back to joking and enjoying the time they had together, so Kieren laughed, saying ‘Oh, fuck off. I’m manly, look,’ Kieren rolled up his sleeve and flexed his non-existent muscle in Rick’s face. Rick breathed out a laugh and shook his head, and they continued on as if nothing had happened. 

-

It happened every time Kieren went to Rick’s house. Kieren can’t think of a single time that he went to the Macy household and Bill didn’t interrogate Kieren looking for a reason to hate him. Not that he really needed one - he already hated Kieren as it is. 

“It’s just… you seem a little queer to him,” Rick would say.  
Maybe it’s because I am queer Kieren always thought. He wondered how it was that Bill Macy had a better gaydar than he did. 

But Kieren still went over to Rick’s house so often he started confusing it with his own home. Besides the fact that Bill lived there, Kieren absolutely adored the Macy house. Janet was the such a sweet women, and genuinely seemed to like him. She’d always tell Kieren about the things Rick says about him to her and it makes him feel all giddy inside. (It makes Rick whine and look completely embarrassed, which Kieren thought was always the best part about Janet’s stories).

-

Kieren was fifteen when he realised he was in too deep with Rick Macy.  
He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed that his entire life had been consumed with Rick. It wasn’t what he was doing today, it was what they were doing today; it was where they were going today. It wasn’t just Kieren anymore, it was Kieren and Rick. Hell, half of Kieren’s artwork involved Rick at this point. They hardly spent anytime apart, and if they did Kieren never initiated it. He loved Rick; loved spending time with him, and Rick loved it right back. It was a perfect relationship. Except for the part where Rick Macy wasn’t actually his boyfriend. 

They acted like it though. They sat with hardly any space between them; Kieren’s nostrils filled with the scent of Rick - that wasn’t really a scent at all, more of an aroma - that Kieren started to associate with comfort and safety. They were constant fixtures in each others lives and neither had any complaints about it. There were longing looks from both sides that screamed I want more but no good ever came out of a look the other boy never saw. Besides, what they have right now is golden. Why ruin that with feelings and emotional ties and death - since Bill Macy would kill them both if he ever found out. It was better this way, they silently agreed. It didn’t stop the overwhelming want from growing. 

It was this overwhelming want that eventually got Kieren kicked out of the Macy household.

Kieren was never great with words - pictures and gestures were more his thing. If he wanted a hug he’s more likely to nudge at someone’s arms than he is to ask for it or initiate the hug. So instead of telling Rick to listen to some bands he likes, Kieren makes him a mixed CD for his birthday. Seeing Rick’s face light up after he gave him the CD made the butterflies in his stomach flutter like crazy, and the peck on his cheek was enough to keep him smiling for two whole days after.

Of course, it couldn’t last - Kieren’s luck had always been like a gas tank running on empty, and meeting Rick didn’t change that; didn’t make him as invincible as he felt.

Rick had loved the CD, and played it constantly for weeks. There wasn’t anything he listened to besides the twelve tracks on the disk. There was one day when Kieren was over and they spent nearly an hour in complete silence with the exception of Arcade Fire playing in the background. It was blissful; peaceful. It was an escape that they can both enjoy with each other instead of trying to understand the difference between 2H and 2B pencils, or how posture really affects your aim. of course - of fucking course - Bill walks in. 

“Whatcha doin’?” he asked with a hard glare in Kieren’s direction. Kieren ignored it - it was probably the nicest look Bill gave him. 

“Nothing,” Rick replied, sitting up to look at his dad. Bill walked over to the CD player that was still playing Black Wave/Bad Vibrations. “What’s this?” he pointed at the machine, though he was obviously talking about the sound coming from it. Rick looked nervous, and hesitated to answer his father.

“I made it.” Kieren spoke up. Bill’s eyes widened at Kieren’s admission. “Oh yeah? What exactly did ya make?”  
“A CD. For Rick’s birthday.” Kieren sat up. Bill chuckled and sipped at the beer in his hands before replying. “You don’t need to make my son a mixed CD. He’s not your faggy boyfriend,”  
“I never said he was, I made him a bloody CD!”  
“He don’t need it. He don’t need you. Get the fuck out of here!” Bill yelled. Kieren may have feigned confident, but he didn’t have a death wish. His shaking frail hands wouldn’t stand a chance against Bill’s. 

As Kieren left the house he couldn’t help but be entirely pissed off at the whole situation. It was a CD. A bloody CD had gotten him kicked out of Rick’s house and probably banned from seeing him ever again. Because of a fucking CD and a general dislike towards Kieren. And of fucking course that was enough to ban Kieren from seeing his best friend. Because apparently making a CD for your friend out of the goodness of your heart is the equivalent to having your big gay dick up their ass.

 

The next few days were hard. Rick and Kieren could only talk at school, which realistically only gave them an hour at most. It wasn’t enough for them, and it became obvious that Kieren heavily relied on Rick for stability. Rick felt like the only constant in his life; his family argued like every family does, school was easy and then got hard. One day he feels great about his paintings and the next he’s ripping them up. Rick was the only thing in Kieren’s life that gave him any sense continuity and now he didn’t even have that. It was unsettling in its mildest form.

It was something Kieren wasn’t used to anymore; being alone. 

-

It’s been three days since they last talked. Kieren knew Rick was avoiding him and he wasn’t even sure how he felt about it. Heartbroken, upset, disappointed, angry, understanding, used. Of all the emotions on the spectrum Kieren had probably felt ninety percent of them over those three days. 

He figured it was for the best, keeping their distance. Bill banned Rick from being near Kieren at all, and Rick as so far up his dad’s ass he actually fucking listened. Over a whole year of everything they’ve shared; everything they have didn’t surpass paternal loyalty to Rick.  
Fuck him. 

Why couldn’t he just tell his dad to fuck off? He was a prick anyone, deserved it more than anyone did. Rick needed to man up and just tell him off. 

He thought of Rick’s room and how it was filled with shit he didn’t care about. The trophies and posters and everything else that wasn’t Rick. His walls were grey and red, but his favourite colour was green. He spent his spare time shooting, but had nothing to showcase the hobby. The posters of girls should be of soldiers wearing their Royal British Army uniforms. Kieren knew that. Kieren knew that and Bill didn’t. He didn’t know his own son in the sixteen years he’d known him the way Kieren did in one. He didn’t know or care about who Rick is or what he likes. He pushed hobbies and traits onto Rick and he didn't accept them but only to Kieren. He wasn’t the same person when he was talking to Bill; he wasn’t the Rick that Kieren knew. He is hiding who he is from his dad; had been his whole life. How is he not angry? How the fuck can he not want to tell Bill to fuck off? 

Then Kieren thinks of Bill’s fists, and he thinks he understands.

He knows he doesn’t.

-

It took two weeks. Two weeks without zero communication to his best friend. Two weeks in which Kieren felt like he was falling apart. He tried to do more art but every portrait somehow looked like Rick. Every aspect of his life was taken over by Rick and how the fuck did he let this happen. 

Of course this would happen. Of course when shit happened Rick would drop him like he was nothing. He didn’t mean as much to Rick and he did to Kieren and it was obvious from the start. He fucking hated himself for letting it get this far. 

It was supposed to be a stupid crush; an infatuation that would go no where and Kieren could get on with his life. Do his work, do his art, continue his life as normal. But Rick fucked it up the minute he turned around; the minute he called him ‘Ren’ he was done for and he knew it. 

He felt tears well in his eyes and fall down his face onto his painting. Of Rick. Fuck Rick, he thought. He stood up abruptly and ripped the paper in half; fours; eighths. He tore until the pieces were littered over his floor and too small to rip anymore. He did the same to at least five other paintings and drawings on his desk before he moved onto the canvas painting that hung on his wall of the two of them. He took the canvas off the wall and started hitting it against his windowsill until it broke. He threw the remaining pieces to the ground and went to lie down on his bed.

Maybe it was his self-destructive nature that made him latch onto Rick. He didn’t hate himself because he got too involved; he got involved because he hated himself. It made perfect sense, that it was his fault. It wasn’t Rick’s fault he was absolutely flawless and sweet and kind and the best (and only) constant Kieren’s life had ever had. He made Kieren’s life have corners; bright sides. His path had morphed from that stupid circle into something greater - more worthwhile. He couldn’t be at fault for this, it was all Kieren. 

It didn’t make him feel any better. 

 

-  
“Hey,” an all too familiar voice said to him. Kieren’s head whipped around to see none other than Rick Macy stood next to him. Kieren gave a small smile before turning back to his locker and slowly getting what he needed, allowing Rick to talk. 

“Look, I’m sorry, about everything. I can’t explain it.”  
“Doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about it,” Kieren replied sharply. Rick develops a worried look on his voice before lowering his voice. “I miss you, Ren,”  
Kieren huffed out a small laugh. “Bet Bill doesn’t miss me that much.”  
“This isn’t about my dad,”  
“It’s always about your dad. What he knows and doesn’t. What he think about me, everything. It all goes back to him. I can’t even bloody see you anymore because of him. It’s bullshit.”

Rick looks down and Kieren takes that as defeat. He wasn’t even going to fucking agree, the pussy. Kieren sighed and slammed his locker, walking away. He felt Rick tug at his arm and didn’t have the restraint to pull away like he felt he should. 

“I know a place we can go.”

-

It was a cave. It was deep in the forest and hidden away from civilization and reality. It was place they could be themselves. Kieren nearly laughed at how far away they had to go to achieve that. 

He didn’t laugh and agreed to meet there every day after school until five o’clock. 

(Kieren knew it was because Bill got home at five thirty, but he didn’t mention it).

-

The met up at what was dubbed their cave whenever they could get away. It was their cave and only they knew about it, and it was special. They were stay there and drink and talk and relax in each other’s company purely because they could. They weren’t restraining who they were together in case Bill walked in - he couldn’t find them here. It was only theirs.

Their cave had suddenly become Kieren’s happy place. When he was angry or frustrated or upset he’d think of the cave and all the memories held within it and he felt better. 

(Kieren pretended it was the cave that made him happy instead of the other boy constantly in it).  
-  
They were able to keep their secret cave away from everyone for about a year and a few months before Jem found out. She was fourteen now and she could read people like a book - especially Kieren. But that wasn’t that surprising considering he left the house for hours every day and came back with a massive smile on his face, looking absolutely smitten.

There was one day Kieren remembers vividly, where he was crowded around his desk painting his not-so-recent muse when Jem walked in. She closed his door and waited a few moments before speaking. “Where were you all day?” she asked.

Kieren abruptly turned to face her. “No where, just out,” 

“Really? Just out?”

“Uh...yup. Just out.”

Jem shook her head slightly and moved to sit on the foot of Kieren’s bed about a foot from where Kieren was sat. “Why won’t you tell me anything, Kier?”

“It’s nothing, Jem. Really.”

Jem widened her eyes and stared into Kieren big brown ones and silently begged Kieren to confide in her. 

With a sigh and an eyeroll, Kieren began speaking. “Remember that boy that used to come round sometimes - Rick?” Jem nodded, urging him to go on. “Well, his dad banned me from seeing him, so we hang out in the forest most days.”

She nodded again. “Why did his dad ban you from seeing each, or whatever?”

Kieren told Jem the whole story. From first meeting Rick to present day, but leaving out any detail that would sound anything more than friendly - they were nothing more, anyways. Then again, Jem knew him better than anyone.

“You love him, then?”  
“Yeah, sure. He’s my best mate.”  
“You know what I mean, Kier.”

Kieren looked at the ground and that gave her the answer she was looking for. Jem stood up and lightly shoved Kieren’s shoulder. “C’mon, show me this secret hideout or whatever,” she teased before leaving the room without even looking to see if Kieren would follow her - she knew he would.

-

Loving Rick Macy was the hardest thing Kieren ever did.  
Over the years, Kieren and Rick had gotten so ridiculously close it was strange that they weren’t attached at the hip. It wasn’t platonic and they both knew it, but only one of them could own up to it. Of course, he’d never say it out loud to Rick, but he could admit it to himself, at least. He would cuddle Kieren all day but never say he loved him. It was frustrating, to say the least, but Kieren understood. It made him hate Bill more than anyone else he’s ever hated before.

But they were eighteen now, Rick’s birthday just a few weeks ago, and they were adults. He’d be out from under his Dad’s thumb soon enough and everything would be amazing; the happily ever after Kieren never believed in. 

Being with Rick kind of made Kieren forget why he didn’t believe in a ‘happily ever after’ - because his life is a circle and his luck was utter shit.

-

It was a normal day in Roarton. It was dark and gloomy, the people were somehow both rude and friendly, and two boys snuck out under whatever ruse had worked on their parents that day to meet up at a cave deep in the forest. They were talking about childhood memories they had - Kieren carefully avoiding the lego incident - when there was a lull in their conversation. It wasn’t awkward or filled with tension like it used to be at the Macy house. It was comfortable and thoughtful and sometimes Kieren thought those silences were the best conversations they ever had.

“Can you believe how old we are now?” Rick asked.  
“Yeah, I’m about to drop dead any minute,” Kieren replied. Rick chuckled but shoved him lightly.

“Fuck off, mate, I mean it. We’re almost done college. You’ll be off at art school, meeting new people, getting out of this shithole,” he trailed off, staring at the cave wall and sipping the beer in his hands.

“I won’t replace you, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Kieren said almost too quietly to hear. Rick turned to look at him and they were just inches from their lips brushing. Rick glanced down and Kieren`s lips and moved in slightly, but Kieren was frozen in place. This is it, Kieren thought. After four years I’m finally going to kiss Rick Macy. Kieren was so sure Rick was going to kiss him but he backed away last minute, and Kieren wished he could say he was surprised. Rick gave an awkward laugh before finding a stone and standing up. 

He wrote something on the cave wall that Kieren couldn’t quite read with Rick’s body covering it, but once he backed away, Kieren swore his heart grew three sizes.

Ren + Rick 4ever.  
At the time, Kieren swore that was his favourite memory of Rick. Looking back, Kieren refers to that day as ‘The Beginning of the End’.  
-

The day Rick left for the army was the second worst day of Kieren’s life. He was angry Rick didn’t tell him and upset that his friend was leaving him for the army. Kieren forgot how to function and didn’t end up going to school or showering or eating or sleeping or anything. He was an emotionless robot only doing enough to not wither away into absolutely nothing. He’d never known a pain that hurt as much as Rick enlisting.

Until the news got back that Rick had been killed in Afghanistan. 

That left Kieren with one shattered heart and two bloody wrists.

-

Waking up for the first time after The Rising was an experience. The walls were pure white but the room felt erie and gloomy. At first, Kieren thought he was at the hospital; that they’d been able to save his meaningless life and he’d be thrown into a psych ward under twenty four hour suicide watch. It took him all about four seconds to realise this wasn’t a regular hospital, and figured he was already in the psych ward until the doctor spoke to him.

“You’re awake. How’re ya feeling?” he asked. Kieren just stared at the doctor, not moving or saying anything. “What’s your name?” 

Kieren swallowed the minimal saliva that was collected in his mouth. He can’t remember his mouth ever feeling so dry; the insides of his cheeks against his tongue felt like sandpaper. Talking would be nearly impossible, he thought. He swallowed again but his efforts hadn’t helped much. “K-kieren Walker.” he croaked out. God, he sounded awful. It was as if he hadn’t talked in years.

“Good, good. How old are you?”  
“Eighteen,”  
The doctor made a face and wrote something down on the clipboard that Kieren never noticed before. “Do you remember what happened, Kieren?”

He did. Of course he remembered Rick leaving for the army and dying no more than two months later. Of course he remembers the way he heart plummeted through the fucking floor. Of fucking course he remembers slitting his own wrists as a result of it all. How could he possibly forget that.

He shook his head no.

The doctor sat down on the plastic chair beside his bed and began to talk. “You’re dead. Well, were dead. This is real life, real everything, except you’re not alive, exactly. You’re undead, Kieren,”  
-  
The news was shocking and the doctor (who he found out was named Dr. Shepherd) spent an hour trying to convince Kieren he was lying. He showed him newspaper articles and explained Nortriptyline and Partially Deceased Syndrome and whatever else he had to tell every PDS sufferer when they woke up. 

Apparently, it was 2012, and the apocalypse has been dubbed The Rising. Zombies fucked shit up and people died. It was Hollywood’s wet dream coming to life. Except that these doctors found a cure - Nortriptyline. It stimulated cells in PDS Sufferers’ brains that they can’t make anymore. The lack of these cells is what caused them to go rabid and eat human flesh. Nortriptyline keeps them human - or as human as you can get when you don’t eat, drink, have blood flow, and you know, died three years prior. Kieren got dizzy about halfway through the explanation and passed out immediately after Dr. Shepherd left, and Kieren was just grateful that the dead still needed their beauty sleep. 

-

After being in the facility for about a year, Kieren thought that Norfolk Treatment Centre was just the same as any other psych ward in the country, they just dealt with a different type of illness. There were regulated medication times and daily checkups that turned into tri-weekly checkups and therapy groups that only helped if you got the right group of people. As gloomy and dull as it was, Kieren got used to it; made a couple friends, did his routine. It was bearable. 

The flashbacks, though. Those were the opposite of bearable.

The scene of Kieren gnawing on on some poor girls brains after he had killed her with another rabid PDS Sufferer was too much for him to handle. He felt an overwhelming sense of guilt; one he hadn’t felt since the lego incident with Jem. Except this time he killed a person. He ate their fucking brains and there was nothing he could do to take that back. He can’t apologise profusely or take a timeout at his grandma’s anymore, and even though those things never helped the guilt it at least helped him feel disciplined. At Norfolk they have a saying. “I am a Partially Deceased Syndrome Sufferer, and what i did in my untreated state is not my fault,” Kieren would say at every therapy session and checkup he attended. 

It was his fault those. It was his teeth that ate her brains, his body it entered, his hands that are metaphorically stained with blood that will never come out. He can’t fix this, and it’s tearing him apart.

He isn’t ready to go home, he says. I need to say here. 

“No, going home will be good for you, Kieren.” Dr. Shepherd says to him. And so he does. He goes home with his parents who can’t stop looking at him like they’ve seen a ghost. He guesses they have in a way. But what they’re looking at is much worse than a ghost, because Kieren Walker is now a monster.

-

He was inexplicably excited to see Jem again. He tried not to think of her much as a result of his guilt from leaving his then fourteen year old sister, but he was really fucking excited to see her. She was the only person he really, truly cared about seeing again, honestly. Yeah, sure, he loved his parents, but Jem was different. Jem and his relationship was so, so strong, and he hoped not even death can break their bond. 

He was wrong. 

-  
"I'm not coming in until that disappears."  
-  
She wouldn't even look at him. She was disgusted by him - as a PDS sufferer or a shitty brother, he didn't know - and couldn't even look at him. That hurt more than the phantom pain in his wrists from the brutality that occurred on them four years prior. It almost hurt more than Rick dying - not quite, but close.

The moment Kieren went up to his room was when he realized that he was truly alone in this world. Only four people knew he was back - his parents, Jem, and Shirley, who helped him with his medication - and they were all pretending he wasn’t. He shouldn’t be back, really, it was easier that way. 

He only really cared for two people, and that was Rick and Jem. They were the only two people that ever mattered to him; the only ones who gave a damn about Kieren at all. And now, one of them was dead (because of me, Kieren thought) and the other completely rejected him. He had no one, and had no business in Roarton. But he was stuck under what was essentially house arrest until the town stopped being judgemental pricks - which is unlikely, because the fucking apocalypse happened before they stopped being judgemental pricks. 

It was a week and a half before he left the house for the first time. It was the fourth anniversary of the Rising ceremony Roarton held to pay respects to those who died during it. Kieren - obviously - couldn’t go, but since the entire town would be in one place, he figured it was a good time for him to finally leave the house.

He wasn’t sure what brought him back to his grave. Maybe it was because he didn’t believe this was actually happening. He rose from the fucking dead, how unreal is that?

It was here that Kieren realizes how bad he is at first impressions when he accidentally stabs Amy in the stomach.

He didn’t mean to, honestly. It was an empty threat, but she did scare him. He held the pole up for protection and she ran into it. Luckily, she was already dead, otherwise Kieren’s conscious would have another heavy load coming its way. 

Amy immediately decided that they were ‘bdffs’ (best dead friends forever, apparently) and while Kieren was slightly uneasy with the idea, having someone who didn’t hate him was nice.

Amy was very pretty, even in her au naturale state, and Kieren admired her for being able to go out without her mousse and contacts - hell, Kieren slept with his contacts in. He’d only known her for a couple days before deciding that she was exactly what he needed in his life.

The thing is, Kieren loves Amy, he really does. But there’s no romance in it. She’ll say he’s gorgeous and he’ll say it back and what not, but there is no romantic attraction between them and Kieren loves it. He needs something like this - someone to care about him without the complications of a relationship. He needs someone he can go places with, tell his secrets to, maybe even be seen in public with like he could never do with Rick. She was perfect to Kieren; for Kieren.

Sue and Steve didn’t see Amy in the light he did. They were unnerved by her outgoing behaviour and put off by her lack of cover up. She didn’t even try to hide that she was a PDS Sufferer, how terrible of her, they would think. Kieren didn’t realize how much it bothered him to pretend to eat until Amy came over. 

He quickly escorted her to his room where they somehow got on the grim topic of how they died. “Leukemia,” Amy had told him. She showed him her scars and bruises. This sad, broken version of his best friend was not one he’d seen in the short time he’d known her. She was normally all smiles and rainbows but this wasn’t that girl. His heart grew heavy at the sight of this girl. 

“Last thought I remember thinking was just that it was so...unfair,” she started. “I’d been benched before I even got to play the game,” 

Kieren wanted to scream. He wanted to shout about how anyone can say things like ‘God is good’ when things like this happen. Rapists and murderers walk free, and sweet Amy Dyer dies of leukemia at twenty years old. How is that fair? Why would an all powerful god allow this to happen? 

It made Kieren feel guilty for the way he died. Amy had wanted to live a long, healthy life that got ripped out from under her by abnormal cell growth while Kieren threw his away. 

“What was your last thought?” She asked him.

“I don’t know, last thing I remember feeling is relief,” he told her honestly. Amy looked completely baffled as she put the the pieces together.

“How did you croak, Kieren Walker?”

His mouth stopped working. He couldn’t form the phrase ‘I killed myself’ with his lips, it didn’t feel right. 

No one talked about it. His family tried to go on like nothing ever happened; like Kieren never died. The only time it was ever mentioned was when he first came back and Jem was angry with him. “I dont know what you’re worried about, he can’t kill himself twice!” She’d yelled. As much as he deserved it, he wished he hadn’t heard it. He thought it would make everything better, that they’d be better off. Coming back, he sees that the Walkers were falling apart at the seams and it was all his fault. 

He showed Amy his scars. She hugged him tightly like she was afraid to lose him; like she wanted to say a million things but didn’t know how to word it. He felt the same way.

Jem rushed into his room.

Rick’s back, she says.

He storms out of the house with Amy in tow. “Rick’s back, how could you not fucking tell me that?” he yelled to his parents.

He stormed off before he got a reply.

-

The look Rick gave him when they first saw each other again reminded him of the last look Rick ever gave him. His eyes held the same emotion that Kieren was feeling and he swore he saw Rick’s breath hitch. He knew what Rick was feeling - he felt it to.

The thing about being about in public with Rick is that they couldn’t say anything they wanted to. Everyone ridiculed him and stared at him like he was a freak but Rick was legend, and it wasn’t fair. 

But Rick was different this time, and it wasn’t just the new stitches on his face. The more time went on, the more Rick seemed to stand up to Bill. It started with not shooting the rabid in the forest. Just disobeying him that once was more than he’d ever done before, and Kieren was so so proud of him.

He really thought it was going to work out with Rick this time. 

And then he showed up dead on Kieren’s doorstep.

It hurt more this time than it did the last. He physically saw the love of his life with a knife in his skull - driven in there by Bill Macy, no doubt. He couldn’t believe he would kill his own son because he didn’t live up to Bill’s standards. Holy fuck. 

It was entirely Kieren’s fault. Kieren pushed him; changed him, and now he’s fucking dead. Kieren had a fucking body count at this point, a whole three people including himself and Rick twice. 

He didn’t even have time to be upset before he stormed over to the Macy house, anger boiling in his blood. He killed his only son, who fucking does that?!

Bill tried to pretend Rick never came home. As if Kieren was a dumb fucking fourteen year old again who would believe anything an old man told him, but he wasn’t having it.

“You’re banned from this house,” Bill said to him over the football game, as if that was more important than the murder of his own son. Kieren stabbed the couch Bill was sat on with the bloody knife from Rick’s head. “And that’s why,” he added.

“You banned me eight years ago and it wasn’t because i ruined your furniture, it was because I gave your son a mixed CD.” He said shakily.

“When he comes back, you’ll still be banned,” 

When he comes back.

“What next time?”

“The next resurrection. The dead are going to rise again, but this time, only the good dead are going to come up; the right dead. Not imposters like you and that….thing.”

That thing. He said it with such disgust. Bill was talking about Kieren’s Rick like he was a fucking disease. And he thought the dead were going to rise again, what the fuck.

“It was a one shot deal - a gift! A gift! And you ruined it.You murdered your only son!” he shouted. 

Janice’s screamed startled both of them. It broke Kieren’s heart to see the normally calm women break down. He couldn’t blame her, he felt the same. They both lost the one person they truly cared about just as they got him back.

Kieren thinks about how he never even got to tell Rick he loved him, how Rick probably died again without hearing anyone but Janice say they fucking cared. The tiny remains of his non-functional heart managed to somehow shatter even more.

Once the gunshot rang out he knew what had happened. It was a bloody shame no one killed Bill Macy sooner.

-

He never got over Rick, not quite. The weight of his death still rested on Kieren`s shoulders, and Amy leaving for some group left him completely alone. he decided to get out of Roarton, thinking that he would never be able to move on while looking at the spot he found Rick’s body everyday. 

Amy came back just as he was supposed to be leaving, and even though he was happy to see her, he was upset he didn’t have longer to be with him.

Looking back, he guessed his passport being rejected was a blessing in disguise, because by staying in Roarton, he met Simon.

-

Kieren thought he had made a better first impression with Simon than he had with Amy - at least he didn’t accidentally stab this one. “Excuse me, you’re, uh, you’re sitting on my grave,” He said to the other man. 

“This you?” Simon pointed to Kieren’s tombstone and Kieren nodded. “Sorry, didn’t know you were one of us with all that...stuff on your face.”

Simon was a lot like Amy. Strange and outgoing, refused to wear contacts and mousse. But he was mysterious whereas Amy was open. He had demons and scars like they all did but kept them hidden under an oversized parka and grandpa sweaters. 

Conversation wasn’t necessarily comfortable with Simon, but it came quite easy. They had different views on just about everything - and Simon seemed to think he was always right, which was annoying - but Kieren liked him. He seemed alright for a ULA extremist.  
He didn’t think much about Simon in any other way besides friends until Simon hinted at it. It was understandable why, as when Amy introduced them she called Simon ‘her future husband’, so he’d just assumed they were together. But Simon was cute, in a strange I-look-like-a-puppy-but-I’m-also-an-extremist kind of way.

Simon was the first person in a while to mention Rick. He told Kieren that Amy told him and it made him a little uneasy knowing that Simon knew something that made Kieren feel so weak. Simon told him about his dreams of running of to the United States, and eventually doing so. He said that after about a week he was miserable again, the move doing nothing to benefit him. 

“There’s nothing for me here.” Kieren said, looking down.

“There’s your family, there’s Amy. There’s me,” He replied, putting his hand on Kieren’s. 

After that, their relationship was pretty much the same, if only slightly different. Yeah, maybe he insinuated he was gay, and maybe had a thing for Kieren, but whatever. It didn’t mean anything.

There was some tension, though. Instances where Kieren thought they might kiss, or one of them might say something to confirm that there was in fact, something going on, but it never did. Both boys were too thoughtful to do something so impulsive.

Until Kieren didn’t.

He honestly didn’t mean to. He had just helped get Haley out of a locked storage container with a rapid Freddie Preston. On top of that, Gary was being a tosser and he was just sick of it. 

Kieren would blame impulse, but considering the ten minute walk he took intentionally to Amy and Simon’s bungalow, it wasn’t the case. It was a adrenaline. If his heart was still beating he’s sure it would be above average pace right about now. When Simon answered the door, Kieren kissed him. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt right, and jesus why hadn’t he and Rick done it before?

 

It sucked, that he never actually got to feel someone else’s lips on his. That his first kiss was in his second life with some dumbass grandpa extremist that he really liked, actually. you know, Kieren thought, maybe it wasn’t so bad.

The thing about Simon was that he was the opposite of Rick. Rick was a scared kid taught that his opinion had to mirror his father’s or he’d be in deep shit, whereas Simo spoke his mind and stood up for his beliefs, even if he was alone. Simon wasn’t afraid to like Kieren the way Rick was. Simon didn’t make them only hang out in complete secret. Simon was an open book where Rick was a locked safe. 

 

He loved Rick. A part of Kieren would always love Rick, and he couldn’t change that. He was such a big part of Kieren’s life and nothing would ever change that. But Simon and Amy, they made him feel. They made him want to enjoy what time he had left - which, as it stood right now, seems like a pretty fucking long time - and live. Kieren had spent the last how many years of his life in numbness and he felt free again.

He started painting again, and Rick wasn’t the subject. It was Simon, it was Amy, it was himself. It was them against the world and Kieren finally felt apart of something that mattered; like he mattered. He loved them and they loved him, he was sure. He had never been so sure of anything in his life before.

Kieren’s entire life had been one major disappointment after the other. His life had been a circle, with no corners to look around for good things coming his way. He used to sit down and wait for the next bad thing to happen, but Kieren was sick of circles. He wanted to change his life and he wanted to live again. He wanted his life to be a square; with good things and surprises after every corner.

Simon and Amy were his first corner.

**Author's Note:**

> this took me forever to write, jesus. I hope the ending doesn't seemed too rushed as i literally finished this five days ago wow. anyway, tell me what u thought thanks ily
> 
> also this was for the In The Flesh mini bang and canadasbutt on tumblr did some really cool fanart for it !!!!!! http://canadasbutt.tumblr.com/post/112247262673/alright-so-this-is-my-submission-for-the-in-the


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